If you’re wondering if you’re settling, you probably are. It wouldn’t have crossed your mind otherwise.
A few times in the past, I asked myself “Am I settling?”, and in retrospect, I was always settling!
It can be hard to properly discern when you’re enamored with the idea of a relationship, you like the attention, and/or you’re attracted to him. But if you can’t help but feel like you’re settling, you should seriously evaluate the relationship.
16 signs you might be settling:
1 – You have a feeling it won’t work out long-term
You’re just not aligned. Maybe you don’t have any interests in common or your core values are just too different. When you think of a future with him, you question what it could look like and if it would even last. Envision your relationship with him in 10, 20, 30 years.. Do you like that vision?
2 – You’re not ready to pause or delete your dating apps
You want to keep your options open just in case someone better comes along. This could seem like a silly reason you might be settling, but if you truly liked him and saw a future with him, you wouldn’t be keeping your options open. Think about the times when you really liked someone and saw a future with him – Did you keep pursuing other options? Probably not.
3 – You’re checking out other guys
This is kind of normal, but if you’re actively browsing when you’re out and about, it’s probably a sign you’re not happy in your current situation. If you were confident in the guy you’re currently seeing, you wouldn’t be so open minded to find someone else.
4 – You wish you could change things about him (hobbies, personality traits, habits, religion, values)
All humans are different, so it’s unreasonable to expect your lover to be an exact replica of you, but when areas you value are compromised, you should consider if it makes sense for you to be with him. For example, if he never exercises and tells you he’s happy with his unfit body, yet you strongly value being active, this might cause conflict in the relationship. Another example is religion. If you’re a devout Catholic and have always dreamed of marrying a Catholic and raising your kids Catholic, why are you dating someone who isn’t Catholic? You shouldn’t have to compromise on major areas you value.
5 – You’re not physically attracted to him, even after three dates
This is a big one! It’s happened to me before. I was so excited about the idea of being in a relationship, so the first couple of dates were fun and I liked the attention. But then I didn’t want to kiss him. I thought it was normal and I just needed to give him more of a chance, but looking back, I shouldn’t have dated him so long. It’s not fair to either of you. You should be with someone you’re attracted to. Physical attraction is an important component of a relationship. Although, sometimes physical attraction grows, so it might be worth it to go on a couple more dates with him if you feel like there’s a good connection.
6 – You don’t feel chemistry/ a spark
Did the initial spark fade quickly after your infatuation and excitement wore off? Or maybe you never felt a spark. Having chemistry is a game changer. I’ve been on many dates and I’ve only felt true chemistry with a couple of guys. It honestly changes the whole vibe because it automatically creates a fun, flirty vibe, you can feel the mutual attraction, and the connection feels seamless. When a spark isn’t there, it feels like something is missing.
7 – You feel like you have to “give him a chance”
Sometimes when I was on the fence, I would go on another date to give him another chance. But you already know the outcome. Why should you be on the fence with someone? I get that some guys take time to open up and I’ve heard stories of married couples who didn’t click until date two or three. If you think there’s a possibility, I would see him again, but if you are really struggling to see a future with him and you’re just hoping things will change, they probably won’t.
8 – You’re not that excited to see him
This might even happen before a first date! It’s happened to me. The texting wasn’t too exciting, I didn’t feel a connection, or I already knew I wasn’t a fan of a few things about his life – but I told myself “Hey, why not? I don’t want to be single forever. Maybe he’s my soulmate..” And the date always went poorly! You should be excited to see him! Don’t waste your time. If you’re dragging your feet out the door, he’s not the one.
9 – Texting him feels like a chore
I’m not a big texter, but when I really like a guy, I love texting him. It’s always fun and exciting. When texting starts to feel like a chore and you feel yourself delaying your responses, it’s a sign you might be settling. You shouldn’t be with someone you’re not excited to text.
10 – You’re jealous of successful/cute couples
This one is so real. We all have those couples that we look up to, whether they’re celebrities or friends or people we just know. Everything always looks like a dream – they’re always laughing, the guy is always staring at her with an enamored look, their lives seamlessly fit together. We all know those relationships aren’t always perfect on the inside, but they’re a good reminder that love does exist and we all deserve a love like that. If you’re constantly comparing your relationship to other relationships and you wish things were different in your relationship, you’re likely settling.
11 – You think you won’t find someone else to date if you moved on
If you’re just sticking with a guy because you’re afraid he’s the only one who will like you or you won’t find anyone better for you, you’re likely settling. There are more fish in the sea. I get why you’re hesitant to move on, but a better match could be just around the corner. You should never feel trapped in your current situation if you know deep down that he’s not the one for you.
12 – You think your family/friends won’t approve, or your family/friends don’t approve and think you can do better
I’ve always placed a big importance on getting my family’s approval on a guy I’m dating. Last year while dating someone, I had a recurring thought that my family wouldn’t approve. I just knew my family would think we weren’t compatible enough for a lasting relationship. If you’re close with your family and they know you very well, their opinions about your relationship should matter. Same with your friends. If you’re feeling like they won’t approve or if they actually don’t approve, it’s a sign you’re settling for less than you deserve.
13 – If you want kids, you can’t picture him being a father to your kids
Maybe he’s a good time and you like how he makes you feel, but you simply can’t picture him being a father to your kids. Perhaps he’s immature, not financially stable, not trustworthy, or not a leader. If you want kids in the near future and you can’t see him changing, it’s probably time to move on.
14 – You feel like he doesn’t prioritize you
If you’re not being treated like a top priority in his life, bye! Does he take forever to respond to texts? Does he fail to plan dates? Are his weekends overbooked, leaving no time for you? These can make you feel like a clown. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve prioritized guys and they didn’t prioritize me back. It’s time to move on. You can do better.
15 – You’re trying to talk yourself into him
He isn’t that bad, right? You’re just being overly picky and you have unrealistic expectations.. Wrong! You should never talk yourself into a guy! You either like him or you don’t. And if you don’t, you simply move on because there’s someone better for you out there.
16 – You feel like you can’t be yourself
Are you hiding parts of yourself or trying to be someone you’re not? That’s not sustainable. You should feel comfortable being your true self – even if you have weird hobbies or quirks! They should love you for who you are and you shouldn’t be afraid to be yourself.
Settling boils down to two categories: You either don’t like him enough or he doesn’t like you enough. If you don’t like him enough, you’re not going to see a future with him. If he doesn’t like you enough, he’s not going to treat you right. Both categories will make you feel like you can do better. And trust me, you can!
What to do if you feel like you’re settling:
Step 1: Critically analyze him and your relationship with him.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What don’t you like about him? Do these things have a potential of changing?
- Do you honestly see a future with him?
- Are you being too picky or are your concerns valid?
- Deep down, do you think you can do better?
- Does he treat you right?
- Would/do your family and friends approve?
Step 2: Decide to move on or stay.
If you decide to stay, keep yourself honest as time progresses – are things changing? It might be a good idea to make a time-bound plan for yourself. For example, go on two more dates with him, then decide if you should move on.
You deserve to be with someone who you don’t second guess! Someone who treats you right. Someone who seems perfect for you in many ways. Someone who has differences that compliment you, yet is still aligned with your core values. Someone you’re proud to be with. Someone you know will be an amazing husband and father.
I know it may be daunting to start over and put yourself out there again, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it.
Much light and love! XOXO!
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
