One day you’re texting him, the next day he disappears. Being the “ghostee” is so painful, especially if you really like him.
A few years ago, I was ghosted by a guy I was dating for six months. I was sad and confused because I thought he was my soulmate. It took me three years to move on! I thought he’d eventually text me back because I was convinced we were meant to be. I held onto hope for far too long. (Notes: Covid was in the middle of this, so I’d like to think I would have moved on sooner if life was “normal”. Also, I believed he was my twin flame..)
I’m writing this in hopes that my learnings will help someone out there who’s at the beginning of their ghosting experience. If you’ve been ghosted, I am so sorry you’re going through that, but I promise things get better.
First, because you’re likely curious, here’s my story: (Or click here to skip to my advice.)
At the beginning, everything was perfect. He pursued the relationship; he was the one initiating dates and texts. (As a man should.) Our first few dates were magical. It literally felt like I was in a movie. We had so much in common and our chemistry was surreal.
A couple months in, I tried to determine the relationship, and he wasn’t ready. I told him I was looking for a serious relationship, and he confessed he wasn’t ready for one yet. He said he liked me and we could continue dating, but I shouldn’t expect him to be ready anytime soon. (He had past relationship traumas.) Since I really liked him and saw a future with him, I said “okay”.
After that, things weren’t the same. He became increasingly flaky and hot-and-cold. During dates, our connection was amazing, but between dates, it was torture. He took hours to reply to my texts, and I was more likely to initiate date plans. I didn’t care though, because when we were together, everything felt perfect.
I asked a few more times how he felt about us, and he said he still wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was always “I’m not sure” and “I might get there, but who knows”..
He told me to move on but that he saw a future with me. On our last date (which I didn’t know was the last time I would ever see him), he told me I should date other people because he really knew I wanted a relationship and he couldn’t provide that to me. It was the “It’s not you, it’s me” thing.. (Ugh!) He said he saw a future with me and could see himself marrying me, but nowhere soon, maybe around 2-3 years in the future. Needless to say, I had hope.
Then, he ghosted me. We texted for a few weeks after that date, but one day, he didn’t return my text. (And I didn’t say anything offensive or worthy of ghosting. It was a normal conversation.)
Post-ghosting was not a fun time for me. I spiraled into an acute depression that lasted several months. I spent a lot of time in my bed. I felt antisocial. I had difficulty getting things done at work and at home. I didn’t feel like myself anymore.
It took me three years to fully move on. I held onto the promise that he would come back to me when he was ready for a relationship. And truthfully, for a while, dating someone else didn’t appeal to me anyways. Eventually, something inside me told me to download dating apps. After I met some great guys and had a wake-up call about my self-worth, I officially got over my ghoster.
Now, it’s been close to five years since he ghosted me. It’s interesting to reflect on the entire situation because now that I’m completely over him, I’m like “Girl!! Why didn’t you move on sooner? What were you waiting for?! You should’ve given yourself closure! You deserve to be with someone who’s ready for a serious relationship from the start, someone who always treats you like a queen!”
I’d like to think that if I found a realistic article like this one, I would have moved on sooner. Here’s the advice I wish I had when I was ghosted.
What to do when you’re ghosted by a guy:
Take time to yourself & keep good routines
Sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness, hurt, insecurity, desperation. Take the time to feel your emotions and don’t feel like you owe anybody anything. Give yourself permission to go into “hermit mode”.
When someone you love ghosts you, it’s heartbreak but on a different level. It can hurt more than a regular break up because you didn’t get closure. Be easy on yourself.
As hard as it might be, I recommend trying to keep good routines, going outside as much as possible, eating healthy, exercising, and spending time with family and friends. You don’t know how long it will take for you to get over him, so it’s best to try to live a healthy and positive life while you’re going through this.
Objectively review your relationship with him
Was your relationship perfect or did it have flaws? Chances are, the relationship was over long before he ghosted you. Usually there are signs leading up to the ghosting, like him not putting in effort, making excuses, spending more time with friends, etc. If you critically and objectively look at the relationship as a whole, you’ll likely find flaws.
If you can’t find any flaws, then just remember that he ghosted you. If he wanted to be with you, he would have texted you back.
Something that can help is to pretend your friend is going through the exact same thing. What advice would you give them? Most likely it will be “Guys suck. You deserve better!” A true friend will be honest. You might not want to listen to them, but it’s worth it. I remember a family member disapproved of how my ghoster was treating me while we were dating and I didn’t listen to her. I wish I did!
A big reason why I couldn’t move on is because I had rose-colored glasses on, ignoring the reality of how he treated me. My favorite memories with him kept playing over and over in my head. I was focused on the highs and disregarding the lows. If I critically reviewed everything about our relationship, I would have realized that it was majorly flawed and not healthy. I absolutely deserved better.
Only reach out to him if you feel absolutely compelled to
You’re going to want to text him, but please proceed with caution.
I probably texted my ghoster six times over the course of three years. First, it was a basic “Hey, hope you’re doing well.”, then I sent a couple messages that were more heartfelt. I remember I apologized for disrespecting his wishes to not pursue a relationship. Then, I sent a few messages similar to: “Hey, this thing reminded me of you, it was awesome.” and “Hey, I’m still interested in you, let me know if you’d want to get drinks or coffee at some point.” Every time, I was hoping for a response. I desperately wanted him to confess his love for me and invite me on a date, but I also just wanted to know he was okay. He felt like a best friend, so it was weird to not know how he was doing.
I also sent him a letter in the mail soon after he ghosted me. I had so much to get off my chest, so I felt very compelled to write and send him a letter. I wrote down all the reasons I liked him and made sure he knew he could reach out if he was ever interested in reconnecting. Looking back, I truly don’t regret the letter, even though it’s pretty tacky and embarrassing. But it was meaningful to me in the moment, so I’m glad I did it.
If I were to go through this experience again, I wish I wouldn’t have contacted him at all. Maybe just once at the beginning to explain myself and give him an opportunity to reply. But even that seems desperate. Since he was the one who ghosted me, I should have left the ball in his court.
Every time I texted him, I got so anxious and obsessed with the outcome. I would always be checking my phone, eager for a reply. And when I never got one, I became so emo. It wasn’t healthy for me to put myself through that, especially now that I know I shouldn’t have to convince a man to be with me.
Before you text him, I suggest taking a moment to think about why you want to text him and what outcome you’re hoping for:
- If your goal is to win him back and make him reply, think twice. Don’t waste time Googling versions of “How to get my ex to reply to my text?” like I did. I thought if I had a perfectly crafted text, he would realize he loved me and would reply to me. It was a waste of my time and energy.
- If your goal is to get stuff off your chest and share things you left unsaid, it may not be a bad idea, as long as you don’t expect a reply. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or you want to apologize for the way you treated him. There could be some good reasons why you would feel better after sending him a text. Just make sure you’re not expecting any outcomes. Tell yourself that if he doesn’t reply, it will be okay, as it will just give you further confirmation he’s not the one for you.
Please try to give yourself closure
After you’ve sorted through your emotions, analyzed your relationship, and maybe even sent him a text, you should start thinking about giving yourself closure. I promise it’s so freeing, even though it’s very difficult!
Life is so short. Why should you spend it longing for someone you can’t have? Very much easier said than done, but you should give yourself closure so you can move on to better things.
A big reason why I couldn’t move on is because I didn’t get closure, and I refused to give it to myself. Every day I wished for a sign or an answer. Since he didn’t reply, I assumed he still loved me. I thought he would reach out when he was ready for a relationship, especially since he told me he saw a future with me. I was always motivated that I was “one day closer to him reaching out.” I was ridiculously stubborn and delusional.
I wish I had realized that he actually gave me a very clear answer. By ghosting me, his actions said “I don’t want you in my life right now.” If he wanted me in his life or if he didn’t want to lose me, he would have replied. If a guy wants to be with you, he will move mountains and make it known! With the right person, you should never have to question their love. I wish I knew this from the start.
If you’re thinking “Oh, the timing just isn’t right”, just think of all the people in committed relationships who are going through difficult life circumstances, yet still make it work. (Long distance for a couple years, one of them is getting their master’s degree or working two jobs with little free time, parents disapproving, etc.) If someone loves you, they’ll make it happen no matter what external factors are at play.
I gave myself closure three years after he ghosted me, but I wish I did it MUCH sooner. Once I did, my life started turning around for the better.
Try to put yourself out there
I highly recommend joining a dating app just to see who else is out there. No need to jump into dating or force feelings, especially if you know you’re not ready. And please don’t do this solely to make your ghoster jealous!
The point of this is to help you understand that..
- There are other guys you’re attracted to
- There are guys out there who are looking for a serious relationship (whom you’re attracted to)
- And, there are guys out there who find you attractive (whom you’re attracted to and who are looking for a serious relationship)
You might find it so hard to believe there are other guys out there for you. But trust me on this, there are! When I re-joined dating apps, I had such a “blah” attitude about it, but after some time, I realized it was one of the best decisions I made.
I think I would have gotten over my ex much quicker if I explored dating apps sooner. Since I was so lovesick and convinced my ex would come back, I had no desire to see other guys. But I wish I made myself! Because eventually, I met someone I really liked. He was attractive, treated me well, I could see a future with him, and for the first time in forever, I forgot about my ghoster! I thought I would never get over him, so it seemed like a miracle.
I always rolled my eyes at “There’s plenty of fish in the sea”, but I now know it’s true. You might be so laser-focused on your ghoster right now and that’s totally normal, but chances are, there’s someone else out there for you. You deserve someone who treats you right.
(In rare cases, a ghoster will come back, but you should live your life and avoid holding onto that idea. Maybe you both need more time to mature and it could be years before he returns. But who knows. All you should know is that you’re worthy of someone’s love and respect, and you shouldn’t have to wait for it.)
This is a very hard journey, but you’ll get through it. I promise. Just have faith there are better days ahead and be easy on yourself. It takes a while to sort through emotions and feel like yourself again. but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Your life is going to be amazing. This is just a chapter in your story.
I’m actually glad I went through this experience (in a weird, twisted way) because it taught me so much about relationships and myself.
If you want unbiased, personalized advice about your specific scenario, feel free to fill out this form and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
I wish you the best! Much light and love! XOXO!
