A twin flame is supposedly your other half. You and them were once one being, and then you separated into two beings sometime before entering Earth in your human forms. Because you were once one being, you have the same values and outlook on life, you have very similar upbringings and life experiences, and you share similar interests. When you first meet [in the physical], everything seems surreal. He/she is your dream partner. It’s the perfect relationship… until the separation. At this time, one twin flame takes on the “runner” role, and the other takes on the “chaser” role. The runner feels incredibly vulnerable because the relationship is so deep. They realize they’re not ready for this type of connection, so they “run” away (blocking or ghosting their twin). Meanwhile, the “chaser” never wants to live life without their twin, so they “chase” (persistently contacting the runner to convince them to reconnect). The runner is typically a male, while the runner is typically a female. The runner and chaser dynamic can last months or even years, and sometimes the roles reverse between the runner and chaser. But eventually, they will reunite, either in this lifetime or a future lifetime.
Oh my… I truly used to believe all of this was real and that I was in a twin flame relationship.
I thought I met the love of my life, and after he ghosted me, I was certain we would get back together. After learning about the twin flame concept, I deeply identified with it. I waited for three years after our initial “separation” for our “reunion” before I finally moved on!
Below, I want to share a little bit about my experience. I hope this is helpful if you’re going through something similar.
Twin flames are becoming a very popular and widely accepted concept. There’s so much content out there (blog posts, videos, trainings, etc.), and it can be easy to get trapped in this mindset. I honestly feel like I was brainwashed.
I hope my responses below can provide a truthful side to this phenomenon. I really wish I found information like this when I was seeking to learn more.
How and when did I first learn about the twin flame concept?
I always knew about soulmates, but never knew there were other types of relationship labels. When my “twin flame” ghosted me after six months of dating, I was so desperate for a solution and advice on how I could get him back into my life. I turned to Google and stumbled on an article about twin flames. I instantly identified with the entire concept, as everything I read aligned with my situation. I spent hours and hours digesting content, especially watching videos of successful “twin flame reunion” couples to try to understand how they reunited.
Why did I believe he was my twin flame?
We were incredibly similar. Never in my life had I met a man like him. It all felt so easy, like he was a best friend that I’d known since childhood. We shared the same opinions on a wide variety of topics and had similar outlooks on life. Conversation was effortless. I never felt like I had to be someone else; I was authentically me.
The weirdest part was how much our lives were mirrors of each other. (Mirroring is a common “This is your twin flame” sign.) This is all going to sound fake, but bear with me. We are both fraternal twins and the oldest twin by one minute. Our childhood pets have the same name. The first houses we lived in had the same street name, although in different towns. Probably other stuff I’m forgetting. It was all very strange. I had no doubts he was my soulmate.
After he ghosted me and I found twin flame information online, I was hooked. Everything I read about twin flames exactly described my scenario. I identified as the “chaser”, the one who was desperate for love and the one who was more mature. He was the “runner”; scared of love and had a lot of growing to do.
What did I do after identifying with the twin flame concept?
A main message in twin flame content is that in order to speed up the process of “reunion”, both people need to develop into a better version of themselves. Supposedly, they will reunite when they are both ready for a relationship. So, if you’re the chaser, you can make the runner come back to you quicker if you focus on yourself because since you’re the same being, they will mirror what you do. (Ugh.. If this sounds crazy to you, you are level-headed. Kudos!)
As most of the twin flame advice primarily pointed towards self-development, I decided to stop focusing on him and focus on myself. I was finally awake to my flaws. I took better care of my skin, pursued laser hair removal, saw new doctors, exercised regularly, enjoyed nature, started practicing self-love, researched apartments and prepared myself to move out, etc. I really did become a better version of myself throughout the process. I felt more ready for a relationship than ever.
I also believed that meditation/manifestation was the key to speeding up the process. (Both of these concepts were new to me at this point. I must have learned about them when researching twin flames.) I tried so many different methods and clearly nothing worked. Additionally, I watched countless tarot card readings on YouTube to gain insights and advice, while trying to “see the future.” I now understand that manifestations and tarot readings are extremely harmful. They hurt me instead of helping me on my journey. I should have turned to God for answers, as I know He would have told me to move on much sooner. I was desperately trying to predict and change my future, instead of allowing what’s best for me.
Lastly, I tried the “no contact” method several times by not texting my “twin flame” for long periods of time in hopes that he would realize my value in my absence and feel inspired to contact me. This didn’t work either.
Why did I wait three years before moving on?
My belief in twin flames was a major reason why I held on for so long. I was told [from twin flame content] that time was the answer and I just had to wait. I had to believe in my heart that he was going to come back, and he would.
I was so convinced he would come back. I thought I would never meet anyone else like him and nobody else would make me feel the way he did. During our time dating, he would say stuff that made me believe we were going to get married one day. I saw a future with him. Even though our relationship was flawed and he had personal things to work on, I was so wrapped up in my puppy love.
Other reasons why I didn’t move on sooner:
- I never got proper closure, as he ghosted me without any explanation. I wish I had decided to give myself closure sooner, but I just had this deep feeling that we were meant to be and he would text me back.
- He experienced difficult situations in his life, so I justified waiting because I thought he just needed time to heal.
- He would occasionally view my Instagram stories even though we weren’t following each other on Instagram. I assumed he still had feelings for me and would eventually come back.
- I wasn’t interested in dating anyone else for the longest time. Since he was my first love, I was attached to him for a while.
Every week, I would tell myself “Alright, this is the weekend he will finally text me back”. And I kept doing that for literally every week for three years. (It didn’t help that covid was in the middle of all this. I hopefully would have moved on quicker if the world was normal.)
Why did I decide to move on?
I had just moved into my first apartment, and it felt like a big reset. It was the start of a new chapter for me. Every once in a while, I would check his social media profiles, mainly out of curiosity but also because I still deeply longed for us to reunite. One day, I looked at his Instagram and noticed he added some new pictures. He seemed very immature, and it was a huge turnoff, especially since I was taking big steps forward with my apartment. I finally had a much-needed breakthrough that I deserved better.
What happened after I moved on?
I decided to re-download dating apps. I finally felt ready to see who else was out there.
The first guy I dated just wasn’t a good fit for me. We weren’t compatible in many ways, but I was proud for trying. It was so challenging for me because I still had thoughts and feelings for my “twin flame” at that time. I remember crying in the car on my drive home.
Then, a month later, I went on a date with a different guy. We had insane chemistry! I finally believed there could be someone else out there for me. We only lasted two dates, but that experience invigorated me. Not only did we have chemistry, but he was a mature man who was clearly ready for a relationship. He thoughtfully planned dates, made me feel special in between dates, and made me feel like a queen during our dates. This was something I had never experienced with my “twin flame.” I was filled with hope of better days to come and for the first time in forever, I stopped thinking that my “twin flame” was my life partner.
It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how poorly I was treated while I was dating my “twin flame.” At the beginning of our relationship, he was strongly pursuing me and everything was perfect. But as time went on, he became flaky, hot-and-cold, and flat out told me he couldn’t commit to a relationship because of personal things in his life. A few dates after he told me this, I was primarily the one making date plans and initiating texts. Looking back, I realized I was forcing the relationship. I should have let him go after he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I deserved better.
I eventually deleted my entire text string with my “twin flame”, deleted notes on my phone related to him, and deleted pictures. I had officially moved on, and it felt amazing.
Do I still think of my “twin flame”? (It’s now been a full year after I moved on.)
Yes. I’ll never forget him. I have so many great memories with him. He was my first love, and I thank him for kick-starting my love journey. I truly wish him the best, and I hope he lives a fulfilling and beautiful life. But, I don’t long for him and I don’t see a future with him anymore.
Do I think he ever loved me?
Possibly, but I know we aren’t meant to be because our story would be different. I want someone who respects me, openly loves me, and strongly pursues an intentional relationship with me. I shouldn’t have to question any of that. If someone actually sees a future with me (even if it’s personally the wrong timing for them – job changes, still in college, doesn’t have money, etc.), they will hopefully try to make the relationship work because they won’t want to lose me.
Did we have any interactions after the initial “separation”?
I sent him a few texts at first because it was weird he stopped texting me out of the blue. Then, I would text him every so often with a “I hope you’re doing well” type of message. He replied to nothing.
Then, just under the three-year mark of our “separation”, I texted him because something reminded me of him. I ended my text with “If you ever want to connect, just let me know.” or something like that. He actually replied!!! He said he was interested. I was stunned and extremely hopeful. I replied with “Okay, just let me know where and when, and I’ll let you know if that works for me”, and I never heard from him again.
During our separation, I realized that I was the masculine energy near the end of the relationship, as I was more likely to plan dates and initiate conversations via text. I now know how important it is for a guy to take lead in a relationship (especially in early stages of a relationship), so I wanted to put the ball in his court. If he truly wanted to see me, he would make the plans. But he didn’t. And I never texted him again.
Would I give him another chance if he came back?
My gut says no. I don’t like the way he treated me. But I guess I might consider talking to him in person if he:
- was extremely and sincerely apologetic about the way he treated me
- had very honest and reasonable answers as to why he stopped talking to me
- was serious about pursuing a real relationship with me
- demonstrated he changed as a person and was stable
He would absolutely have to prove his intentions, and I would have to feel compelled that it was a good decision for me and my life to give him another chance.
I don’t really think it would work out. I can’t help but think of all the hurt and disrespect he put me through. It would be challenging to pursue a healthy relationship with that in the back of my mind. I deserve someone who treats me like gold from the start.
Do I think the twin flame concept is real?
No, I don’t believe in twin flames anymore.
Sure, I believe two people can be led back together and some areas of the twin flame concept could happen in real life.
BUT… I don’t think anyone should subscribe to the twin flame concept and adopt that lifestyle.
If someone loves you, they will return. Simple as that. No need to manifest or follow guaranteed steps. Give yourself the closure you need, take the time to heal, then move on with your life. Be a high value woman because you are one. Focus on developing yourself, and don’t be afraid to meet other guys. If your “twin flame” returns, great, but he might never return.
I remember reading some online forums about twin flames, and some people said they were still waiting for their twin flame to return after 6+ years!! What a waste of time. I know how easy it is to get attached to someone you love, but think about how you want to spend your time on Earth. Would you rather wait for someone who might not even love you, or would you rather be with someone who adores you from the start? Cliche, but there are so many fish in the sea. God has better plans for you.
Also, the twin flame concept is honestly just the “Right person, wrong time” concept. Most relationship coaches and specialists will say that if it’s the “wrong time”, it’s not the right person.
What advice would I give my former self when first learning about twin flames?
- Please don’t take any of this content [about twin flames] so seriously. You can learn from relationship success stories, but don’t believe your life can have a similar outcome. Everyone’s life is different, and you don’t know whether your “twin flame” will come back or not.
- Focus on self-development, but don’t do it with the intention of getting your “twin flame” back. Since you’re so desperate for a relationship, there are some key areas you clearly need to work on within yourself.
- Write down what you want and deserve in a romantic relationship, then reflect on the relationship you had with your “twin flame.” Do they align? Likely not. You are so valuable. You deserve the man/relationship of your dreams.
- Give yourself closure and give yourself permission to move on.
- Don’t reach out to your “twin flame.” If he isn’t communicating with you, why should you waste your time communicating with him?
- Try to start dating other guys as soon as possible, even before you feel ready. You’ll realize there are other guys out there who you’re attracted to and who will treat you better.
- Turn to God for support and guidance, instead of trying to manifest your “twin flame” or watching tarot card videos.
- Listen to friends and family, especially those who know you best. If they say you deserve better, believe them.
I could write about this topic for hours because I was plagued by the lies and deception of the twin flame community. I was naive to believe it all.
I think a main reason why I latched onto it is because I was broken inside and sought answers to my situation. I was desperate for love, and I wanted to control the outcome. Because my situation aligned with everything I read about twin flames, I thought I had finally received a guaranteed playbook and everything would work in my favor if I followed along. It’s so wrong to approach love this way.
I am so happy to be on the other side of it. I feel free.
Please let me know if you want me to cover any other areas relating to twin flames or if anything in this post would benefit from further explanation. (Click here to send me a message.)
Much light and love! XOXO!
Photo by Frantisek Duris on Unsplash
