It can be so easy to get caught up in the routine of using dating apps and going on dates, especially if you really want a relationship. You might not even realize you’d benefit from a season of singleness!
For around eight months, I was consistently using dating apps. I wanted love so badly. I was on Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, and The League. It was a lot.
I literally treated dating apps like a side job. I equated the time I spent on dating apps to a higher chance of meeting my husband. Every morning and after work, I would check my “likes” or matches and respond accordingly. I would also spend so much time swiping through guys.
I had been on a handful of dates over those eight months, but no luck.
It came to a point where I was so burnt out and deep down I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for a relationship. My life was so busy and there were areas I knew I should probably improve before meeting my husband.
I decided to stop using dating apps two months ago. Ahhh, what a breath of fresh air! No more notifications, no more pressure to check matches, nothing.
Now that I’ve had two months to myself, I’m feeling very content, recentered, and a deep peace that I’ve never experienced before.
This season of singleness has shown me key areas needed for a successful relationship, many of which I was lacking (and still working on currently).
Here are 11 questions to ask yourself to help determine if you might also benefit from a season of singleness – to focus on yourself and take a break from dating.
Question 1: Do you love yourself?
This one can be hard, but be honest. Can you look in the mirror and confidently say “I love you” to yourself? (Not just your physical appearance, but your personality traits and soul, too.)
Life can be painful. Sometimes we grow up in negative environments and we’ve never been told that we’re beautiful. Or there are personality traits that commonly get criticized by others. For some of us, self-love can be a bumpy, curvy, uphill road.
How can you expect someone to love you when you don’t love yourself? Seriously. It’s deep, but true.
Write down the things you don’t like about yourself and come up with ideas for how you could make improvements in each area.
Question 2: Do you know who you are?
I know how easy it is to get lost in a relationship. I’m guilty of changing music tastes or the way I dress based on guys I’ve dated. It’s fine to experience new things to see if you like them, but completely latching onto things that you wouldn’t like otherwise is unhealthy and silly.
This time alone has helped me return to my true self, and it feels amazing. I don’t plan on morphing into someone else again. My husband will be a perfect complement to me, and I also shouldn’t feel like I need to like everything he likes.
Question 3: Is your life where you want it to be?
Think about your finances, living situation, friendships, job, and other aspects of your life. Are you satisfied and happy, or could you improve areas of your life?
Your life doesn’t need to be perfect for a successful relationship, but think about the challenges your less-than-desirable situations will bring to a relationship. If you’re feeling stressed, anxious, chaotic, unsettled, etc… it’s probably not the best time to start a relationship.
Wouldn’t you want to feel settled and ready to welcome someone else into your life?
Last year I moved into my first apartment. The time leading up to the move and almost the first full year after moving was very chaotic. There was lots of planning and shopping before the move, and after the move, it took me a while to feel settled and create good routines for myself. It wasn’t until 5-6 months after moving that I felt ready to try dating again.
If big areas of your life feel unsettled, you may want to consider foregoing a relationship at this time to focus on them.
Question 4: Do you have space in your life for a relationship?
Are you incredibly busy? Is every moment taken up by work, hobbies, friends, family, etc.? If so, how are you realistically going to fit a boyfriend in your life?
During my dating burnout phase, I felt like it was impossible for me to dedicate time to a relationship. Almost every minute of my life was busy. Even though I live alone, it’s been challenging for me to juggle work, cooking, chores, family, and friends. I often don’t even feel like I have time for myself!
I realize I need to get better at sticking to schedules so I can make room in my life for things that matter most. I’m determined to stop hitting snooze, stop working overtime, and stop leaving all chores for the weekend.
Pick what you can drop from your daily schedule or how you can optimize your time, and slowly make space for a relationship.
Question 5: Is there anything big you want to do?
Do you want to start a business, go back to school, or learn a new skill/hobby? If anything keeps creeping into your mind and you feel called to it, but you think it will be too much work, it’s probably best to focus on this before pursuing a relationship.
When I stopped using dating apps, I had so much extra time in my day! A season of singleness will give you time to do something you’ve always wanted to do. It forced me to finally start this blog, which I’ve been thinking about for over a year now.
If you’re already single, you might as well make the most of your time!
Question 6: Are you 100% over your exes?
I have no shame in saying it took me three years to fully get over one of my exes. (!!) I thought he was “the one” and when he ghosted me, I believed he just needed time and we would eventually end up together.
You may be in a similar situation or maybe a recent two-month fling is still on your mind. I’ve been there, too.
I know what it’s like to go on dates and have an ex in the back of my mind. It’s not healthy to live in the past and it’s not respectful to new guys you date.
One of the guys I dated this year actually broke things off with me after two dates, admitting he still wasn’t fully over his ex. It was mature for him to tell me that, but it also made me feel like I was a rebound.. Not a good feeling.
If you can’t stop thinking about an ex, you absolutely need time to work through your emotions and try to close that chapter. If he truly is “the one”, he will come back into your life in the future, but you can’t bank on that happening. Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself is move on. Maybe date a few other guys to see who else is out there and/or strictly focus on yourself.
You should make space for someone who will treat you like a queen, loves you, and wants to build a future with you, instead of holding onto false promises and “what ifs” of ex-boyfriends.
Question 7: Have you healed trauma from your past?
Unfortunately, most of us have experienced trauma. Maybe it’s from family, ex-friends, bullies from grade school, or the men we’ve dated. It’s easy for those experiences to hold us back and prevent us from living our best lives.
We’ll never forget traumas, but we can learn to accept them and move forward.
There have been some things in my life that I’ve slowly learned to accept and it’s brought me such peace. You can turn to God, family, friends, or a trusted mentor or therapist to help leave behind these things that are holding you back.
Question 8: Do you believe someone is out there for you?
Oof. This one hits me hard.
For the longest time, I was so desperate for love that I never even thought about this.
Two months ago when I paused dating apps, I honestly didn’t think someone was out there for me. I was hoping I’d meet someone on dating apps, but deep down I didn’t think he existed. I was defeated and it felt impossible.
I thought that my time investment on dating apps would result in finding my husband. That if I spent more time swiping through guys, I would have success.
But believing your soulmate doesn’t exist could be preventing him from entering your life. Think about it. How can you expect a miracle when you don’t believe in it?
It took me so long to realize that this mindset was a main blockage.
I believe answering “no” to this question is related to lack of personal confidence and lack of trust in the overall process. The “Ugh, there’s nobody for me” mentality is poison. Of course there’s someone for you! Think about all the couples you know – friends, family, celebrities, etc. Some individuals are extremely unique, yet they found their perfect match.
Aside from growing my confidence, something else that’s helped me is envisioning my future life with my future husband, future house, future children. Picturing my ideal future makes me feel like it’s more tangible.
Question 9: Do you know what you want in a man?
For a while, I just wanted a boyfriend so badly that I didn’t consider what I wanted him to be like. I mainly just wanted him to be attractive and like me back..
This resulted in me going on dates with guys who weren’t a good fit for me in the long run. There was one guy that I liked so much, but we shared no common interests! Another guy I dated was so flaky and a commitment-phobe. Looking back, I’m like “Why did I waste my time with these men?!”
You should have high standards because you’re worth it. You deserve to have the man of your dreams. Don’t settle for less!
I recently created a list of the traits/characteristics I’m looking for in a husband. It will be my guiding star when I start dating again so I don’t waste time with mediocre guys. When you’re intentional about your desires, I find that success is more likely.
The only thing I would avoid is being too strict with what you want him to look like. There have been a few times where I was shocked (and pleasantly surprised) with how attracted I was to guys who weren’t physically my “type”. Don’t limit your options!
Obviously, you should think he’s attractive; don’t date someone you’re turned off by. But overall, it’s important to focus on the things that will matter most in a long-term relationship. And maybe sparks will fly when you meet him in person.
Some things on my “wishlist” include: has similar life goals and values as me, wants children, close with his family, practices the same religion as me, caring, makes me laugh, makes me feel special, mature, a good listener.
I recommend taking the time to create your own list!
Question 10: Do you have a vision for your future?
I never had a strong vision for my life. Mainly just “I want to get married and have kids.”
During my season of singleness, I’ve added more details to my vision. It feels good to have more clarity on the life I want to live. I also hope my strengthened vision will help me pick the right partner, who shares a similar vision. It’s not smart to date someone who has a different outlook.
Do you have the answers to these questions? (You might think of more, but this is a good starting point!)
- Do you want to get married?
- Do you want to own a house?
- Where do you want to live?
- Do you want kids and how many?
- What are your career goals?
- How do you want to spend your free time and money?
Question 11: Are you fine with being single?
I clearly wasn’t. I was obsessed with finding a boyfriend, and I always disliked being single. I was always sad around the holiday season. I frequently had “get a boyfriend” on my New Year’s resolutions list. I was desperate, but I really thought a boyfriend would complete my life.
It’s not good to be desperate for a relationship because you could force a connection when it isn’t there, invest too much time early on in a relationship when it isn’t reciprocated, and honestly, you miss out on living your life.
I’m upset that I wasted so many years longing for a boyfriend. Instead, I wish I was happy with what I had and made the most of being single.
Now I understand that I don’t need a relationship. I feel so fulfilled by my life as it is. It feels so freeing and peaceful.
Also, once you meet your husband, you’ll never be single again. My friends in relationships are always like “Enjoy being single!! You’re so lucky!”.. Well, you always want what you don’t have!
Additionally, it’s healthy to be independent. Even when you get into a relationship you should love your life when he’s not around, and you should have pieces of your life that you’re able to enjoy without him.
You don’t need someone to complete you. Your life can be beautiful without a boyfriend. Enjoy the season of life you’re in.
If you’re feeling skeptical about any of these questions, think about potential men you could date. Would you rather date guys who say “yes” to all questions or guys who say “no” to at least one question? You should prefer a man who is fully ready to welcome you into his life, has a deep understanding of who he is and what he wants in life and a woman, loves his life, and has no serious baggage.
I hope these questions help you on your journey to find love! Maybe a dating break is all you need to better prepare yourself for a relationship.
Much love! XOXO
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
