Three months ago, I decided to take a break from dating apps.
I had been using them for around eight months straight, desperately trying to find my soulmate. I was so burnt out from all of it: The swiping, replying to messages, going on dates, getting excited about someone then getting my hopes crushed.
I didn’t intend for my “season of singleness” to last for three months but once it started, I knew I deeply needed it. I’m so glad I leaned into it and allowed it to transform me. It’s been a life-changing experience.
I’m still single right now, but I feel like a different person in the best way possible.
So, what happened in my “season of singleness”?
#1: I realized I had a very toxic approach to dating
Taking a break from dating apps gave me the much needed opportunity to reflect on my approach. I realized I had so many bad habits and strategies that were preventing me from finding my husband.
Here are a few of them:
Being lenient with dating app filters
I wanted a boyfriend so badly that as time went on, I became relaxed with my criteria. Things that should have been my standards became “nice to haves”.
On dating apps you can set parameters for the men you’re exposed to, such as their distance, height, religion, and type of relationship (casual, serious). When I first started using dating apps, I set my ideal criteria: 20 miles away, Catholic, serious relationship/marriage.
Of course, my pool of men eventually ran out. And because I was desperate and wasn’t willing to wait for more men who fit my ideal criteria, I expanded my criteria.
I can’t believe I was swiping through and talking to men who don’t align with my core values and desires. What a huge waste of time!
I would especially get lenient with religion and their relationship goals. (Potentially giving someone a “chance” if I thought they were physically attractive but didn’t align with my religious views or didn’t want a serious relationship..)
I figured if I stopped being so picky and expanded my options, I would find a boyfriend.
But now, I realize it’s so important to stay true to what I want, even if it means waiting longer for marriage. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t share my faith and isn’t looking for a serious relationship. Honestly, I’d rather be single than spend my time with someone who isn’t aligned with me and my goals.
Addicted to swiping
This is related to the last one. When I broadened my criteria, I was exposed to so many men! (Most of whom weren’t a good fit for me.)
I thought more swipes would increase my chances of meeting my husband. And since I live alone, it was easy for me to make this a habit during breakfast, dinner, and even while watching tv.
I was constantly swiping through guys on dating apps. Like, all the time.
Also, when I ran out of matches, I sometimes tried other dating apps to increase the pool of guys available to me. Not a good idea!
Now, I believe that my husband will come to me at the perfect timing. I don’t need to stress about finding him.
Overly excited when I matched with someone I liked
I know for a fact that I turned off a few guys because I seemed desperate. (Even though I was just excited and trying to make a good first impression.)
I remember one guy told me about a band he liked, then I immediately listened to a few songs and replied instantly with my first impressions. I’m pretty sure he ghosted me right after that!
Not only is it unhealthy to be obsessed with men (especially ones you just met), it’s also a big turnoff. It’s good to be invested and excited, but you can easily cross the line and come across as clingy and immature.
Trying too hard to be perfect
I thought if I was “perfect”, I would attract the right guy and score a boyfriend. Everything I did was very calculated, from my dating app profile to how I acted on dates. I tried to present myself with no flaws.
But why couldn’t I just be my authentic self from the start? My perfect match should love all of me, including my flaws and quirks.
Anyways, “perfect” doesn’t even exist.
When I return to dating apps, I will be much more intentional, mature, and authentic.
#2: I gained clarity on the type of man I want to marry
During the first month of my dating break, I came across a video that explained the value of creating a list of everything you want in a man. (Character traits, values, etc.) I never did this because I thought it was limiting. I didn’t want to have a farfetched wishlist because I was afraid it wouldn’t come true.
But, during my season of singleness, I went ahead and created a list.. cause why not?
It was so eye opening!
It made me realize that I should have high expectations for a partner. I deserve to be with someone who I’m fully aligned with and can live a fulfilling life with.
It’s sad I’ve been settling for less!
Here’s a peek at what’s on my list, if you’re curious: Loves his family, makes me laugh, hardworking, wants kids, makes me feel special.. This stuff seems like no-brainer but it can be so easy to talk yourself into a guy if you find him attractive and like spending time with him. That should be the bare minimum. We should be going beyond that!
#3: I now know the type of relationship I want with my future husband
Throughout this season of singleness, I’ve had time to critically think about what I want my future relationship to look like.
Since I desperately wanted a relationship, I was more likely to take a masculine role. I commonly initiated dates, gave guys my number before they asked for it, etc. I rarely waited for a guy to pursue me and take the lead in a relationship. Now, I’ve determined the role I want to have in a relationship. I want to be feminine, more submissive. I want him to be masculine, more of a leader. I’m not ashamed to admit I like traditional gender roles, even if society says otherwise. Since I want these classic gender roles in my future relationship, I shouldn’t be taking the masculine role anymore. It’s something I’m more aware of now.
Additionally, I used to be so focused on getting a boyfriend that I was blind to the reality of what it takes to foster a successful romantic relationship. Throughout my season of singleness, I’ve been exposed to several YouTube channels of married couples who give tips and tricks for a successful marriage. They’ve been so eye opening to me. I now have a realistic view of marriage instead of a fluffy, dream-like view. I’m more equipped to pursue marriage in a healthy, long-term way.
Lastly, since I was obsessed with finding my husband, my end goal was really just to get married. Instead of focusing on marriage, I should have been focusing on finding a life partner and best friend. Something I’ve heard before is “Could you eat 10,000+ meals with this person?” Seems silly, but it’s true. Once you get married, you’re literally going to see them every day and the meal question is powerful. In the past, I probably would have continued to pursue a relationships with a guy even if I wasn’t sure I could happily eat 10,000 meals with him, but now I won’t waste my time! Instead of being obsessed with getting married, I want to ensure I’m going to spend my life with the right person. (Even if it means waiting longer.)
#4: I solidified my vision for my future
You know when you start dating a guy and he asks what your life goals are? Do you have a specific, detailed vision? I didn’t.
It was always just the standard “I want to get married and have kids.” I think there was also a fear that if I got too specific, there was a chance my vision might not align with his vision. So I would keep my vision vague to play it safe.
During this season of singleness, I realized I needed to strengthen my vision. Something that kept bothering me is that my vision for my career wasn’t clear. The problem was that although I love my job, I’ve never had strong career goals. Deep down, I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, especially when my kids are young. I struggled admitting it to myself, let alone telling someone else out loud, likely because of how unpopular it is in today’s society.
It wasn’t until this season of singleness that I realized I should pursue this and make it known to the men I date. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t see the value in stay-at-home moms. I also know that it puts the financial responsibility on the man, so I would want him to be comfortable with this.
#5: I can confidently visualize my future
Even though I always wanted to get married and have kids, it was hard for me to believe it would actually happen. When I tried visualizing my future, it was fuzzy and it felt like a stretch.
For some reason, this season of singleness has enabled me to easily visualize the exact life I want. I now strongly believe it’s coming my way, and I’m excited!
#6: I genuinely feel ready for marriage and kids
I know with certainty that I wasn’t ready for marriage. Even though I was previously dating with the intention of marriage (no hookups or casual relationships), I was so immature relationship-wise. My desperations and insecurities set me up for failure in relationships, and I was nowhere near ready to be a wife.
Now, I feel like I could quickly assume the role of wife, even mother, if things were to move fast after meeting my husband.
#7: I improved my daily routines
Before my season of singleness, my life was so chaotic. I was always hitting snooze multiple times, showing up to work late (actually.. showing up everywhere late..), deprioritizing meal prep if I didn’t feel like it, skipping exercise, spending too much time on my phone/social media… Oh, and of course, I was constantly swiping through guys on dating apps.
It was all bad.
When you’re in a cycle of bad habits, it’s fine and livable. But when you take the time to step back and reflect, you can’t help but hate it. It feels like a big waste of time. Why not respect your alarm? Why skip a workout, even though you know you’ll feel better afterwards? Why scroll through social media that doesn’t add any value to your life?
All of these bad habits gave me less time to do what really matters: enjoy and live a fulfilling life.
Now, I fully understand the importance of consistency and discipline. When I follow my routines, everything is better.
The refinement of how I spend my time and build my routines is a critical life skill overall, but especially for the successful wife and mother I want to be one day.
#8: I checked stuff off my to-do list I was procrastinating on
You know that list of stuff you want to do, but they aren’t necessities? The list that perpetually sits on your counter, in your phone, or in your mind for months upon months.. It weighs on you without realizing.
This season of singleness gave me the opportunity to get stuff done.
A couple examples:
- I finally got around to hanging art in my apartment. The art was sitting on my floor for many months! It felt so good to get it done.
- I decided to pull the trigger to create this blog, something that was on my heart for over a year.
It feels so freeing. And it’s made space for other things in my life to blossom.
#9: I decluttered and purged belongings
We all have stuff we don’t use. Stuff we keep “just in case”, but in reality, it just takes up space and makes us feel overwhelmed.
I tossed old makeup, underwear, hair clips.. And I created a donation pile of clothing that no longer fits me or I simply don’t like anymore.
Because I purged old stuff, I decided to upgrade my life with new, high-quality items that will last me a while. These purges and upgrades have elevated my life.
#10: I realized some friends aren’t worth keeping
This one is really painful. Moving on from friendships can feel like heartbreak.
Two months into my season of singleness, I had lunch with my college best friend. Things felt different. I felt so mature and she seemed years behind me. She was still partying, had no intentions of settling down soon, seemed so self-absorbed, and was dating questionable guys. I had this deep feeling that I could do better. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just decided to distance myself. I thought an official “breakup” seemed uncalled for.
After this situation, I thought about my other friendships and realized a couple others weren’t worth fighting for either. I was always the one reaching out, pursuing plans, and putting in the effort. These friendships seemed so one-sided. I deserved better.
It’s crazy how easily we can go through life on autopilot. It’s easy to keep traditions, stay in our comfort zones, and say “yes” even when we want to say “no”. But, why do we settle for less than we deserve? Time is so precious, so every moment in our control should be filled with love, peace, and happiness.
I am looking forward to the new friendships that come my way.
#11: I strengthened my faith
I prayed nightly and considered myself religious, but I was definitely a “lukewarm” Catholic. I only went to church on Easter, and my relationship with God was very surfacelevel. I didn’t truly know Him or follow His way.
A month into my season of singleness, I felt called to go to church. It was the beginning of Advent, so I think that’s what initially piqued my interest. The problem is that the church I typically went to was far away from my apartment. Something inside me told me to find a church closer to me and give it a try. After some trial and error, I found a church I deeply enjoy. It’s given me peace and community, and it’s something I look forward to every week. I didn’t know if it would just be a phase that lasted throughout Advent, but I am committed to making it a weekly occurrence.
Something else crazy happened: I bought a Bible. I never thought I’d own a Bible, as it always seemed too advanced for my level of faith. After going to church a few times, I started thinking about it more seriously. I looked at Bibles on Amazon, but didn’t buy one because I got intimidated. Then, while I was at Barnes & Noble, I decided to take a look. I picked up a Bible I felt drawn to and almost put it back because I was like “there’s no way I’ll actually read this”. When flipping through the pages, I noticed there was a section called “The Bible in a year” with suggested daily readings to read the full Bible in a year. This made it seem very achievable, so I decided to buy it and commit to daily readings! I’m on a 32-day streak, and it’s already changed my life. I look forward to connecting with God everyday, where I can learn more about Him, His love for me, and the kind of life I should be living. (Among other things)
I’m grateful my season of singleness led me to a deeper relationship with God, my religion, and my faith. My values are strengthened, I have deepened inner peace, and most importantly, my relationship with God is my priority.
#12: I returned to my true self
I will admit that I’ve latched onto things my exes were passionate about. It’s natural to want to show interest in something that’s important to someone you love, but it can definitely cross a line. Especially when you start to lose yourself.
A guy I dated was very outdoorsy and adventurous, loved working out, and one of his favorite music genres was country. Soon after our first date, I bought new outdoorsy clothing, started exercising regularly, and listened to country music like it was my religion. It’s funny looking back on this, but it shows how easy it can be to lose yourself in a relationship. I’ve done similar stuff for other guys, too. It’s harmless to enjoy stuff they like, but when it becomes obsessive or changes the core of who you are, it’s not healthy.
At the start of this season of singleness, I wasn’t even sure who I was anymore. What did I like? What did I do in my free time? Who was I? This dating break has helped me fully return to my true self, and I made a promise to myself that I won’t to fall into this pattern again.
#13: I evaluated social media
It’s awful how addicting and time-sucking social media is. After finishing a session, I almost always feel like it was a waste of time.
I first decided to put a limit of 15 minutes per day on Instagram. I was spending hours scrolling through Instagram reels. Now, I use Instagram to quickly stay up-to-date with friends, companies, and celebrities. No more mindless scrolling. I may consider limiting Instagram even more, but this is a really good start for me.
Secondly, I decided to delete Snapchat. I literally hadn’t sent a snap in over 2-3 years, and I never viewed stories. I had kept the app because I liked the camera functionality, how it can detect songs (similar to Shazam), and the historical collection of my old snaps. I realized it wasn’t adding any value to my life and I truly wouldn’t miss it, so I said goodbye. It’s been over a month and I don’t think I’ve ever thought “Hey, I wish I didn’t delete that!” I’m now debating which apps might be next to delete.
#14: I feel a deep peace, something I’ve never experienced before
I was obsessed with finding my husband. I thought I was “broken” and seriously flawed. I thought love would never find me. I compared myself to others. I was so focused on my ideal timeline to find love.
Throughout my season of singleness, all of those things have been eliminated. I have an extremely deep peace about myself, my life, and what’s to come. It’s a beautiful feeling.
I’m not worried. I know someone is out there who will love me exactly as I am. I know I shouldn’t settle. I know I am valuable. I know the timing will be perfect. I know that every additional day I’m given in this season of singleness has a purpose.
Wow, that was a lot! Thanks for making it this far! Out of anything I’ve experienced in my life, this intentional season of singleness has probably been one of the most impactful.
Here are some themes from my journey:
- I made room for what’s to come – I decluttered, let go of some friends, strengthened my routines, deleted social media apps, and more. All of this has made space in my life for a relationship, whether it’s physically or mentally.
- I found myself again and I commit to living authentically – It’s easy to get lost in love and the day-to-day of life. I feel like I have returned to my authentic self.
- I’m happy with my life as it is – Instead of feeling sad I don’t have a boyfriend, I now understand that every part of this journey has a purpose. I am happy with what I have right now. I don’t need a boyfriend to complete my life.
- I’m preparing to be an amazing partner – Not only am I aware of what it takes to be a good partner, but every moment of self-improvement is preparing me to be a better companion.
- I’m taking advantage of this time – Once I find my husband, game over. I won’t be single ever again! I now realize how special this time is, so I’m making the most of it.
- I know what I want in a man – Moving forward, I only want to date men I see a future with. The clarity I have on the type of man I want to marry will be a great guide for me when I’m swiping through potential suitors or determining whether to go on a second date with someone.
- I feel ready for marriage – Throughout this time, I’ve determined the type of marriage I want, along with the role I need to have as a wife. I feel more ready than ever to take this on.
I was so obsessed with finding love, yet very burnt out from the process. I still want love, but I’m not longing for it to complete my life. And instead of feeling burnt out, I feel excited for what’s to come!
Thanks for reading! Much light and love! XOXO!
If you’re wondering if you might also benefit from a break, feel free to take a look at my post “Should you take a break from dating? 11 questions to ask yourself.”
Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash
