I dated someone like this before. It was so confusing and painful.
When we first started dating, everything was perfect. He initiated dates, texted me frequently, and I genuinely felt like a priority. As the relationship started to get serious, things changed, especially in between dates. He rarely initiated dates, and he took forever to reply to my texts. I struggled to make sense of it because when we were together [during dates], he was affectionate, loving, and attentive. How was this the same man?
Why was he so “cold” when we were apart, yet so “hot” when we were together?
I remember searching the internet for answers and nothing really helped me. Because I loved him and felt so sure of our relationship when he was “hot”, I stayed with him in hopes that things would change, but he eventually broke it off after five months of dating.
Now that it’s been a few years since the breakup, I’ve reflected on my experience and better understand why a guy is likely to be hot and cold. I hope this can help you if you’re going through the same thing!
The most likely reason why he’s acting hot and cold: He’s not ready for a serious relationship
There’s a good chance that the idea of being in a relationship with you scares him, especially if you’re wifey material. He’s not putting in effort because he doesn’t want it to turn into something real. He probably likes you, but for some reason, he doesn’t want to take the initiative to push the relationship forward. It’s the “right person, wrong time” vibe. That’s why things feel perfect when you’re with him, yet distant when you’re not.
This is exactly what happened in my scenario. A couple months into our relationship, he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t know if he could get there. We had such good chemistry and enjoyed spending time together that I hoped he would change his mind. But as time went on, he started getting more distant. During the breakup, he told me the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” thing and that he really wasn’t ready to get married for at least two to three years, encouraging me to move on.
Here’s a glimpse into why he might not be ready for a serious relationship, hence acting hot and cold: (All of these were true of the guy I dated!)
- He’s been hurt in the past and isn’t fully healed – If he’s been cheated on or isn’t fully over his ex, it doesn’t matter how perfect you are for him, he will need time to heal.
- He has higher priorities in life right now – Maybe his job is super demanding or maybe his family is going through a rough patch. Unfortunately, he could view you as one more duty on his already busy plate.
- His life isn’t where he wants it to be for marriage – If he’s struggling financially, hates his job, or is still living with his parents, he might feel like he’s not adequate enough for a serious relationship.
- His self confidence is low and doesn’t think he deserves you – Sad, but this can happen. If he thinks you’re totally out of his league, that might demotivate him to pursue you.
Other possible reasons why he’s acting hot and cold:
- He’s seeing other girls, but wants to keep you as an option – Ouch, but this would make sense with the hot and cold behavior. If he’s not planning dates or texting you frequently, he could be spending his time doing that with other girls. Maybe he’s unsure if you’re “the one”, so he’s dating other girls right now to see who else is out there, keeping you at arm’s length in case he decides to pursue you.
- He doesn’t see a future with you, but likes spending time with you and enjoys the ego boost you give him – I hate this reason, too. Maybe he doesn’t have the energy or motivation to meet other girls and he’s comfortable with you, so he’s continuing to see you without putting in much effort. He might even like that you’re initiating dates so he doesn’t have to.
4 things you can do if the guy you’re dating is acting hot and cold:
1 – Ask him why he’s acting this way
You’ll never know if you don’t ask, right? I never asked the guy I was dating because I was so afraid that he would break up with me. But looking back, I wish I wasn’t trying so hard to make things work with someone who didn’t want to put in the effort to be with me. If I asked the hard questions, I could’ve moved on sooner, spending my time with guys who were ready for a serious relationship.
2 – Stop putting in effort and see what happens
A relationship should be 50/50, equal effort from the guy and girl. If you feel like you’re putting in more effort, you can experiment by seeing what would happen if you stopped initiating dates and texting. Maybe it would completely fizzle, or he might realize he could lose you, forcing him to step it up.
3 – Ask a close friend for advice
A close friend should want the best for you. Tell them everything about your situation and ask for their honest opinion and advice. It can be easy to have rose-colored glasses and not see a situation for what it really is, especially if you’re enamored with a guy. A friend should be able to see through all that and help you out.
4 – Move on
If he’s not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, you don’t have to stick around. Heck, you probably shouldn’t stick around! As hard as it might be, you can move onto greener pastures.
I know how difficult this is. If you love spending time with him, you love the way he makes you feel, and you see a future with him, it’s absolutely devastating when he starts to pull away.
It’s easy to keep giving him chances and be a pushover. You might tell yourself “maybe he’s busy, maybe he’s nervous, maybe he’s overwhelmed”.. Well, if he actually wanted to pursue a future with you, he would put in the effort, even if he was busy, nervous, overwhelmed, etc.
Just remember that when you meet the right guy, he will pursue you. He will put in effort. He will treat you right. He’s not going to be wishy-washy, putting in the bare minimum, or making you feel inadequate.
You deserve to be with someone that doesn’t make you question where you stand. You deserve to be with someone that makes you feel like a queen.
I wish you well! I know things will turn out better than you can even imagine, even if things don’t work out with him. It just means that there’s someone more suitable for you.
Much light and love! XOXO!
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
